This afternoon, I was able to spend some time at the Festival Bay Mall, "a Caribbean-theme complex that features incredible retail establishments" in addition to housing an indoor skatepark and a 20-screen Cinemark Theater. When I came to see Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson in "Gridiron Game" on Friday night, I made a mental note to return this week.
Randomly, I decided to enter through the Bass Pro Shop, and instantly stepped into another dimension. Apparently they are NOT kidding when they call themselves an "Outdoor World" because it really is like a different UNIVERSE in there. Because the layout of the store was so consuming, I walked around for what seemed like 5 hours browsing merchandise I had absolutely NO interest in -- like hunting tents, countless styles of lifejackets, fishing yachts and camping lanterns. As far as the eye could see, I was surrounded by all manner of outdoor recreational products (complete with running streams and a huge central aquarium filled with, of course, large amounts of bass).
Following a complex search for the correct exit (there seemed to be about four), I stumbled out of the faux woodland dimension into the shopping mall's tropical themed venue. As I surveyed the stores, I was drawn to a smaller establishment called "Toy Time," which sported a unique selection of current and retro educational toys along with plenty of Disney variety plushes.
But something didn't seem right. To start, the store was small enough to discover that there was not a single worker present to assist any customers. I guess 6-7PM is a low traffic hour for "Toy Time" employees, seeing as their only potential business at this time was a 25 year-old male who many before have mistaken for a 9th grader.
As my eyes sampled the innocent visuals of Talking Toucans, Mickey and Minney Mouse dolls, and "My First Train" sets, my ears heard starkly contrasting audio:
"I-feel-like-BUSTin' loose and-I-feel-like-TOUCHin you..."
I'll give you a hint: it wasn't "Barney Live!" or "I've Been Working On The Railroad."
Inside the last place where kids should be exposed to sexual suggestive lyrics and vulgarity, our good friend Nelly was "singing" about the warm room temperature and his strategy for alleviating his body heat:
"I-am get_ting so-hot I'm gon_na-take-my-CLOTHES off"
God forbid that six year-old Johnny or four year-old Betsy would have been trying to compare building block achievements in the play area while OutKast performs "Hey-Ya!"
Jumping into action, I quickly identified the source of these audible atrocities: a stereo behind the employee counter. Since no one was present to complain to, I squeezed behind the register and promptly pressed the "stop" button. Taped across the stereo's top was a note from the manager that read, "Family-friendly music ONLY please!"
Ejecting the 3-disc tray, I discovered that "Now That's What I Call Music! #1's" was the culprit. Keep in mind that this same album features another "family-friendy" gem, Janet Jackson's "All For You" (a wonderful fairy tale for children of all ages featuring the exciting story of Ms. Jackson's nocturnal rides on guys with nice "packages").
An outraged employee finally returned as I located a CD with children's music stuffed away underneath the counter:
"WHAT are you doing?"
"Just trying to find some 'family-friendly' music."
"Some what?"
"Well, I came in here and heard people singing about 'taking their clothes off' and thought that might not be good for little kids to hear. I didn't see anybody here to ask, so I was checking the stereo."
"I was in the BATHROOM! What CD was it?"
I'm not sure if the Hispanic girl was playing dumb, or was new to America and thought she should play some "American" music in the store. Her English was slightly broken, so I'll give her the benefit of the doubt.
To ease the awkward tension, I pretended like I needed to request a price check on a giant Kurt Angle pro-wrestler action figure. She took one look and pointed to the price label placed directly on the front of the box.
"Whoops...must have missed that!"
Just so I wouldn't appear to be a "trouble maker" I decided to purchase the item, and vowed to return in the future -- hopefully to be met by something other than "Hot in Herre".
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